Eliminating the Limits

2009 was an eventful year for me. Indeed, it was. A lot of things happened, and all of them left a great impact in my life. I turned 18, and I think I grew up. I used to think that being a grown up is sad. I am a person who believes that being a child is somehow magical, and childhood is the best stage in our lives. When I was a child, I was not that happy. I had to witness the things any child would never have to see. Last year, I experienced some things that anyone would never experience. The good and the bad ones.

In 2009, I learned so much. But sometimes, when it’s too much, you can’t handle it, because the cup is full and it can’t contain.  Yet, I have always needed someone who could contain me. I had one.

Ever since university started, I have changed, into something I don’t know yet exactly. And I am not really happy about that.

For someone as Pisces as I am, it feels funny to be so rational about things. I now rarely use my feelings. Using my brain and mind would be enough, using my logical intelligence would be enough, using the rules would be enough. I keep my feelings somewhere else, for it to be save, for it to be untouchable. I don’t know when I would want to open the treasure chest again. Because  something in it is broken, and I desperately need a glue, or an ICU to make it fixed, to make it healed.

I am trying to steal my old-self back, from something I don’t really know what. Well, we all have to admit that change is the only constant thing in this world. People told me that “change is good”. I don’t feel the same.

I was looking at the notes I’ve written in Facebook. I do want to write, but I am occupied with a lot of stuff, especially about Indonesian Youth Conference. I found this note, and I love it. I encourage you to write the same thing, and let me know when you’ve done it. Writing this makes us feel special, very very special. It reminds me of the fact that everybody is special. Yes, I am. Yes, you are. Yes, we are.

I was tagged by Cassey to write this. This is not about showing off. This is about loving yourself. And…

I am an amazing person because:

1. I make new friends easily. Maybe that’s because I am a very talkative person! I can’t stand sitting next to/in front someone without any kind of conversation. It turns out to be a very good thing because I think networking is one of the main keys of success. Never hesitate to say hi to anyone around you – give the to-die-for smile, people!
2. I am expressive. I can express my feelings verbally or even non-verbally. What’s even better is, I am expressive in positive things. I tend to keep my bad mood for myself, or only for the people that I am very closed to.
3. I am a good listener when it comes to other people’s problems. I am always welcome to listen to their problems, and when they ask for my advice, I am willing to share my experiences. Because, I am not a teacher or parents who can tell you to do things, I am only a friend.
4. Quoting Mr Dino, I am a proud nationalist and a passionate internationalist. I love reading things about Indonesia and telling them to other people so they can be in love with Indonesia as well. I am also open to other cultures. I can spend hours listening to Changemakers about their countries. I event spent one hour talking with Elsabe about Indonesia and Namibia, how do the houses look like, what do we eat for breakfast. You can start loving this country by reading Good News From Indonesia. Let’s fall in love!
5. I am curious. I love learning new things and I can absorb lessons easily. My IQ is not that great, maybe can only be labeled as “superior”. But I can learn any kind of lessons and can memorize it. I love you God.
6. I am a very optimistic person! A lot of people inspire me, from Bruce Lee to Andy Warhol, from Che Guevara to Walt Disney. All of them said that we all can make our dreams come true. So, why worry?
7. I rarely forget saying the three magical words: maaf, tolong, terima kasih. This is not that special but there are a lot of people who keep forgetting this kind of stuff. For me, it is very important.
8. I have always wanted to be different. Being different… some people might call us weird, but we always have the excuse to call ourselves “special”.
9. I am innovative and creative. Maybe it’s related to #8, I want to do something great and new, I want to do things in a different, creative way, whenever I can.
10. I am a loving person. I love my parents and even sisters so much, I love my boyfriend, I love my big family, I love my bestfriends, I love my schoolmates and especially classmates, I love my teman sebangkus (yes, I love you Sheila Citra Ervicaninda!), I love my colleagues… Though not all of them love me back. I don’t really care about that. Quoting Cassey, they are the ones who make me an amazing person.

So, if you read this, please do the same thing. At least for yourself. Let me know. Well… I know you guys are amazing already. I’ll just crosscheck the list you made with mine. Are we thinking about the same things?

I am back on my own now: writing with my own fingers, seeing the world with my own eyes, listening to things with my own ears. Just me, and only me, and I think I’ll be fine. I have changed a lot. I used to be a hopeless romantic… hell, yes. But, now? Not anymore. I think it’s about time to start being realistic about everything in life, because life is not a fairytale, it’s not even a book. Let God writes the story–I think God is much better in us in terms of everything, including writing. And God writes real things, and I have to adapt with that.

I always have a hard time of letting something be. I have these dreams, these goals, that I really want to achieve. When I know that I can achieve it, I have to achieve it, no matter what. With one person, I already had those dreams. They are gone now. I have to let them be. And don’t ask why, because I did not want this either, but I have to let it be.

Maybe you have read the story… but well, if you are curious, my life is not that beautiful, and my life is not that good. I am just a human, like you. I am trying to make a difference, I am trying to make a betterment, in myself, in my surroundings, in my world. I want to be inspired, and I want to inspire others. Which is why, I have to be seen as a strong, wonder girl. I have to be seen as an inspiring person. I want to have an impact in the society, no matter how small it is, but I want it to be a good and remarkable one.

Emotionally, yes, I have lost something–one of the things that I used to admire the most. It left… with a reason that I personally could not explain, and still can’t.

I magically believe that God has a great reason of why this is happening, and God has a cool plan for me. I will just have to sit back, relax, enjoy life… right? I am back on track already. I am living my life to the fullest… without the goggles for a while.

Something terrible just happened to me, and there are a lot of things I would like to share with you. I have learned a lot more about life now, about love, about relationship with others, about friendship, about relationship to myself, and even about relationship to God. I want to share. Really, I do. But maybe, I need some time alone, a quality time for myself. I’ll write soon. I promise.

Don’t forget to press play… well if your life is now paused.

And one more thing, my friend just said this to me:

“The Almighty One only has 3 answers for your prayer: “Yes / Not now / There’s a better option”. Keep that in mind.”

Hope all is well.

“Alanda, where do you go to college?” is the question that I avoid the most.

One month ago, I had to face a difficult situation. At the same time, I become the only person who has ever received a full scholarship from Bina Nusantara International University. I also received admission fee reduction from Universitas Multimedia Nusantara and I got accepted in University of Indonesia to study Criminology. How lucky, right?

I had the yellow jacket in my hands already. My parents were incredibly happy that I got accepted into that uni, so were my family and friends. They were proud, they congratulated me. Everyone thought that I must be smart that I have succeeded in getting into that uni. But hey, I got accepted because the major I chose were not as popular as Management or Communications. I once thought, “If I were meant to study in UI, I’ll get it on SNMPTN.” And apparently, Alhamdulillah, it did happen.

I have spent my days in UI for a couple of weeks when I felt like there was something really, really wrong and I don’t know what that is. I met the most brilliant and opinionated people from all across the archipelago, I had a very big campus! I was going to study in the campus that is desired by everyone, with pride. Why can there be anything wrong? Moreover, I chose the major because I was interested in the courses. My plan: in 2010, I am going to go for another round of SNMPTN. I’ll get into FHUI.

Now this is ridiculous, but I always cried whenever I met anyone from FHUI. They ate my heart, my dreams. I tended to daydream whenever I passed FHUI. I felt so stupid. That was why I made my pledge. I had to get into FHUI, whatever it takes.

Suddenly, another thing ate more of me. I found out that even if I got into FHUI in 2010, I would not be able to change my major and transfer my grades. I will need to pay another 20 million, another OBM, another OSPEK, I will have to start from scratch. But, what for? My family is not that wealthy. I have little sisters who still need to obtain their basic education. I might seem “okay” financially for you, but to be honest, I still cannot pay my tuition fees by myself. If next year I still have to pay another 20 million to reach my dreams, well it’s an investation. But, I know my capacity. If we can’t, I don’t think we have to force ourselves, especially when it’s related to other people.
I finally realised that there will be no turning back. If I pay UI tuition fees, I will have to study there. Four years. Graduated from Criminology. Work in the criminology field.

Thus, where shall I put my dreams? Should I wash them away?

I missed my dreams. I missed my old activities. Everything was too campus-centered and I could not help it. There were department gathering, faculty gathering, batch gathering, alumni gathering, OBM, and courses. It was worse than high school. Yet there, you’re nothing but a number. UI people won’t know you. You will graduate and enter another jungle.

I somehow became afraid that I won’t be able to grow there. There is this fright I cannot explain. I was afraid that I would lose my activities. I was scared that I was going to lose the things I have built for years. I was scared that UI will take one piece of my UNO Stacko and destroy it. Only for OBM and OSPEK, I had lost a lot of opportunities, the opportunities that would mean a lot for my life. Do you think they would know what you do and achieve? No.

So, that day, on the first day of OSPEK, I went to UI with my dad. I already wore the white-and-white uniform and the leaf nametag, saying that “I have to do this”. I turned back at the Psychology Roundabout. You know what I did next? I WENT HOME. Someone told me to go home. It was not a devil. It was my heart. Somehow.

I tried to cool my head when I got home. I assessed both uni for multiple times. I talked to successful people I know, from Sitta Karina, Yorgi Gusman, Fajar Anugerah, and my friend Ghian, to seek a path. Where should I go, actually? They know me well and they are successful in their own ways.

I prayed too. I asked God, what should I choose? My heart has chosen the international university, actually. Though I actually wanted God to say “UI” so I could make my parents proud, see me graduate in Balairung from UI… God said Binus too. Or maybe, God only said what rings in my heart. So, I did tell my mother that I wanted to go to Binus International, in tears. My mother said yes, though she was pretty disappointed – she graduated from UI after all. But I also promised her that I am going to be a successful person, and I will send my sisters to school.

So, what’s with Binus International? Here are the list to encounter your negative comments:

1. I got scholarship there. Financially, UI is more expensive than Binus International. I want my sisters to get a better education than I did, and I will not let my parents pay too much for my education and abandon them. My sisters are going to be successful people. They are much smarter than me, I suppose.
2. BI has international curriculum. So, if I got into Harvard or Oxford (yeah, right), it will be easier to transfer my grades with the same curriculum.
3. Every lectures are delivered in English and some of the lecturers are expatriates.
4. I’m going to learn International Business there, become a social and creative entrepreneur, create jobs, and build a school. That’s luxurious enough in my opinion!
5. By studying in BI, I would be able to choose: study for 1 year in Cologne Business School to get double degrees, or study in UNSW (one of Australia’s ‘The Big 8’), Solbridge (South Korea) or University of Wollongong (Dubai). To be frank, I am more interested to study there instead of UI. So I can bring heaps of things home, so I can have different skills than the ones who studied in UI, UNPAD or ITB. Remember, UI has millions of graduates. Who knows that I might be able provide different perspectives and solutions from them? Indonesia needs diversity and dynamics.
6. They got Masters Track Program, so I will hopefully to finish both Bachelor and Masters Degree in 9 semesters. Amen.
7. BI appreciates what I do and they are very supportive, both morally and materially. They give students to space to grow academically and non-academically.
8. I can still continue my activities outside the campus because the lectures schedule are more flexible and there are no unimportant gatherings. Well, at least, not too much.
9. Seniors don’t have seniority, not at all. Just like in the US, they don’t want us to call ‘Kak’. One campus, one BI. No one labels us by “sok pintar” when we express our aspirations. Because in that campus, they do.
10. One batch only has 300ish students. Lecturers are close to you. Lecturers know you. Even the executive dean knows you. All lecturers know that I established The Cure For Tomorrow, for God’s sake!
11. 90% BI graduates last year have been accepted in companies before they had their graduation ceremony. Two of them got $2,500 as their first salary. Some of them got into Stern and Stewart accounting firm in Singapore, and there was even a graduate who now works in Google. The key? Personal recommendations. No, they don’t let you use Binus Career. They recommend you to companies.
12. We are taught to think and work like Western people, but we are also taught to act like Eastern people. Beautiful.

I dare to say that I don’t regret this decision. Not at all. Yes, I tried my best to get into UI. Right. But, I know, whenever I got into college, I can be a successful person if I want to. I am sure that in this place, I would be able to grow. I will be something special instead of being drowned in the ocean of people, or unnecessary “nongkrong-nongkrong” just like what high-schools had.

Maybe you will spit on this decision. But this is,

My choice. My world. You only read the story.

Indonesia berduka.

Itu yang saya tangkap pagi ini, ketika saya tiba di kantor dan mendengar bahwa dua hotel internasional di kawasan Kuningan, yakni Ritz-Carlton dan JW Marriott, menjadi sasaran pengeboman oleh oknum yang tidak bertanggungjawab. Saya panik ketika itu. Mengapa? Bagaimana kepercayaan dunia internasional terhadap Indonesia? Saya, sebagai salah satu orang Indonesia yang berkesempatan untuk berinteraksi langsung dengan masyarakat internasional, mendengar langsung pandangan dari orang-orang di negara lain terhadap Indonesia yang semakin ke sini, semakin membaik. Kita telah bersusah-payah bertahun-tahun mengembalikan gambaran baik mengenai Indonesia kepada dunia internasional yang sempat punah, dan dengan beberapa ledakan, gambaran tersebut harus kembali rusak. Entah berapa lama waktu yang kita butuhkan untuk memperbaiki hal ini.

Pagi ini pula, saya login di Twitter dan menemukan ‘Jakarta’ dan ‘Ritz-Carlton’ menjadi dua dari trending topics yang ada Twitter.

Malam ini semuanya berubah. #indonesiaunite menjadi trending topic di peringkat teratas, mengalahkan pemutaran perdana Harry Potter, pembicaraan tentang Michael Jackson, dan bahkan #iranelection. Hari ini kita membuktikan pada dunia bahwa teroris tidak mengguncang Indonesia. Manchester United boleh jadi batal ke sini, begitu juga dengan beberapa band yang dijadwalkan untuk menyelenggarakan konser di Bulan Agustus, tapi warga Indonesia – khususnya pengguna Twitter – justru melakukan sesuatu bersama-sama, menunjukkan bahwa Indonesia tetap kuat dengan mengupdate banyak informasi berhubungan dengan #indonesiaunite dan mengganti avatar Twitter dengan warna merah-putih.

Hari ini, ada banyak pesan nasionalis yang muncul melalui status di Twitter. Pada awalnya, semua status di Twitter menunjukkan kebencian terhadap teroris, main tuding kepada capres-cawapres yang tidak menang dalam versi Quick Count, sampai mengutuk teroris hanya karena MU dan band-band favorit mereka batal datang ke Jakarta. Namun, semua itu berubah, menjadi kebanggaan sebagai orang Indonesia, menjadi keinginan agar Bangsa Indonesia bersatupadu melawan ancaman teroris.

Prestasi ini membawa kebahagiaan tersendiri untuk saya. Mengapa? Saya merasa bahwa nasionalisme masyarakat Indonesia sudah meningkat secara drastis. Pada peristiwa-peristiwa pengeboman sebelumnya, Indonesia hanya bisa berduka. Tapi hari ini, kita melakukan sesuatu. Sesuatu yang kecil, tetapi ternyata sangat berarti, dan membawa impact emosional yang besar.

Ada seseorang yang mengirimkan tweet:

Hal ini menyadarkan saya, bahwa mungkin hikmah dari kejadian ini adalah bersatupadunya pemuda-pemudi Indonesia untuk membuktikan pada dunia bahwa Indonesia akan berusaha semaksimal mungkin melawan terorisme. Hal ini juga menyadarkan saya bahwa nasionalisme belum mati. Bangsa Indonesia tidak mengutuk terorisme karena batal melihat Ryan Giggs secara langsung, mereka mengutuk terorisme yang telah merusak nama bangsa di mata dunia.

Mengutip Arsalan Iftikhar, international human rights lawyer dan pendiri TheMuslimGuy.com: As the 240 million wonderful people of Indonesia mourn this terrorist attack on their soil this evening; we want the people of Jakarta to know that the rest of the world mourns alongside with you.

Semoga nasionalisme Bangsa Indonesia tidak berhenti sampai di sini.

1. My first and last prom night. It was held at Mulia Hotel’s Ballroom. We had Kamga as our guest star and the theme was A Night at the Opera. I dined at The Café with my boyfriend on midnight (Agnes Monica was there too! Haha). My cousin works at The Café so we got free signature drinks and snacks.
2. After-prom Party at J Lounge, Gran Melia Hotel—my first clubbing night with schoolmates! It was fun. I didn’t drink nor smoke, and still had so much fun!
3. Volunteered for one week as box score officer at Little League® Asia Pacific Baseball Tournament 2009. Met heaps of new friends, including the ones from Guam!
4. I was invited to the launching of Energi Positif book—a compilation of 100 people’s thoughts about Mr. President. The editor is Dr. Dino Patti Djalal. A few days before D-Day, I was interviewed (and filmed) with Mirwan Soewarso, the man behind Jangan Bikin Malu 2009 and a few popular movies (he’s Nova Eliza’s hubby btw). Too bad I had to leave earlier when Bu Mari Elka Pangestu was delivering her speech. It was one day before the graduation ceremony!
5. My graduation ceremony. My grades were not that good. My NEM was only around 42 while most of my friends got above 45, which made me very surprised when I was awarded as the best student from science class!
6. Went to Tribute to Michael Jackson at SHY Rooftop. It was only a usual Friday night at SHY with DREW’s performance on stage. But since we all were mourning for MJ, they made such thing and jammed with lots of great singers, including Tere, Dira (Humania), Lala (Inersia), Aditya, Afgan, and of course Aqi (Alexa). You can spot all of ‘my’ brothers on stage (on mic and bass). Great night! All hail Jacko!

To be honest, I do want to write many things, but I dunno where to start. Maybe I’ll work on it today. But I hope those pictures might cure my almost-one-month absence on this blog. Catch ya later!

Dua hari ini saya melaksanakan Ujian Masuk Bersama (UMB), tepatnya di SMKN 3 Jakarta, diantarjemput oleh Ibu. Hari ini, kami makan siang di Mie Ayam Gondangdia yang beken itu, dan mampir di TPU Tanah Kusir untuk ziarah ke makam Oma (sekalian minta doa supaya keterima di FHUI, amin!).

Karena tinggal di dua rumah dengan shared backyard bersama Oma, boleh dibilang, saya dekat sekali dengan beliau. Jadi, ketika beliau meninggal 2 tahun lalu, saya merasa begitu kehilangan. Tapi ya, mungkin memang sudah waktunya.

Saya pernah membaca tulisan tentang role model, ditulis oleh Weggie di sini. Saya punya role model, tentu. Orang yang saya look up to, memicu saya untuk mencetak prestasi sebanyak-banyaknya. Mungkin akan terdengar klise, tetapi orang-orang ini adalah orang-orang yang ada di keluarga saya. Walau di media seringkali ditulis bahwa saya mengidolakan Anita Roddick (itu karena waktu itu saya ditanya “aktivis lingkungan” mana yang saya idolakan) atau Bruce Lee (itu karena jurnalisnya asal tulis mentang-mentang saya tulis nama Bruce Lee di blog ini :p), role models saya yang sebenarnya, selain Ibu, adalah Aki dan Oma: Prof. Dr. R. H. Moenadjat Wiratmadja (b. 1921) & Hj. Fatidar Moenadjat (b. 1925).

Aki’s books and a pic of him

Saya tidak pernah bertemu dengan Aki. Sebab, Aki meninggal di tahun 1980, dan hanya melihat 1 dari 16 cucunya (saya cucu ke-9). Saya hanya bisa mendengar cerita-cerita tentang Aki dari Oma, baik cerita yang romantis, lucu, sampai inspiratif. Saya suka semuanya. Singkatnya, Aki adalah dokter ahli bedah plastik pertama di Indonesia. Ia lulus dari FKUI tahun 1958 , lalu melanjutkan pendidikan ke Washington University/Barnes Hospital di Amerika. Sekembalinya ke Indonesia, Aki mengajarkan ilmu bedah plastik kepada mahasiswa Indonesia (no wonder Tompi visited my grandma when she was hospitalized!). Nama beliau diabadikan sebagai nama unit khusus perawatan luka bakar di RSCM. Aki dikukuhkan menjadi profesor pada tahun 1979, mendapat cucu pertama Februari 1980, dan meninggal Juli 1980.

Setelah itu, Oma terus bertahan hidup dan mengurus keenam anaknya dengan sabar, tabah dan terus berikhtiar. Beliau tidak menyelesaikan kuliah kedokterannya (kata Aki, urus keluarga saja… :D), tapi bisa membesarkan anak-anaknya sampai menjadi, alhamdulillah, sesukses sekarang. Ada yang bekerja di World Bank, menjadi interior designer, dokter, sampai art director! Hanya berbekal ketelatenannya dalam jahit-menjahit dan berhemat. Beliau berhasil bertahan selama 27 tahun tanpa Aki. Berhasil melihat cucu pertama beliau juga jadi dokter!

Jadi, pada hari itu, ketika Oma sudah terbaring kaku di atas sebuah ranjang dari kayu, di ruang tamu rumahnya (yang sekarang jadi rumah saya), saya mengaji di sebelahnya, menangis. Terus membaca sebanyak yang saya bisa, supaya beliau diberi tempat terbaik disana. Lalu, saya menghapus airmata itu, berkata padanya, “I promise, Oma. I will make you proud. I will. I promise.”

Itu terjadi tanggal 3 September, 2007.

Tadi saya berada di sebelah Oma lagi, bahkan juga di sebelah Aki. Tidak menangis. Hanya berbicara dari dalam hati, bercerita tentang  apa saja yang sudah terjadi pada Ibu, pada keluarga saya, pada adik-adik, dan terutama sekali… pada saya. Kadang-kadang, saya setengah mati berharap bahwa ia masih ada di sini, di dekat saya, di suatu tempat yang bisa saya lihat, di suatu tempat yang bisa saya hampiri ketika rapor saya dibagikan, ketika saya mendapat piala atau piagam, ketika saya ulangtahun, ketika saya dimarahi Ibu… Lalu saya berpikir lagi, saya yakin bahwa ia sebenarnya selalu ada di dekat saya, bukan?

Saya melihat nama Aki sekali lagi. Prof. Dr. R. H. Moenadjat Wiratmadja. Or maybe his name is longer than that. Janji saya pun bertambah hari ini. Ketika nanti saya tumbuh lebih tua, dan lebih dewasa, saya harus bisa seperti Aki: menjadi orang yang berguna, menjadi orang yang dihormati, dan menjadi orang yang dikenang.

He lives in you, he lives in me. He watches over everything we see, into the water, into the truth, in your reflection. He lives in you.

Tentang video:
Video ini adalah penampilan “mini” dari “The Lion King” versi Broadway, di acara Rosie O’Donell sebelum Tony Awards 1998 di mana mereka memperolah 11 nominasi. Listen to Mufasa’s voice, sounds like who? Saya nonton versi “Inggris” dari drama musikal ini di Lyceum Theatre. I spent a lot of money, and I don’t regret it. The feeling was even better than going to those football stadiums, especially if you’re a Disney maniac like me!

What’s the point of adding me if you don’t… err… actually know me? WHAT???

For one week, I want to be like a nowadays kid. Hang out in clubs, go to gigs, get to know new nowadays people, buy shoes, sleepovers, uploads the party pictures, be stylish, post radical things without having anyone mad at me. Come, come, my alter ego. This is your holiday. And… I don’t even care what you think.