Kemarin, saya menerima komentar dari Cut Naila, tapi rasanya tidak cukup jika dijawab di Comments. Menurut saya, mungkin komentarnya mewakili banyak pemuda Indonesia, sehingga harus dijawab di sini :) Terima kasih banyak.

Wow, your thoughts are one of a kind ! Salut, I fully appreciate it. Masalahnya, gak semua anak muda punya prestasi outstanding spt kakak yg bisa menunjang karier kedepannya.

Nah, ini mindset yang perlu diubah. Prestasi seseorang tidak diperoleh karena keberuntungan, melainkan karena keinginan, kemauan, dan kegigihan untuk mencapainya. Prestasi itu suatu hal yang bisa (dan harus) diraih. Jujur, membaca ini, hati saya merasa tidak enak — seolah-olah apa yang saya peroleh semata-mata karena “kebetulan” saya memperolehnya. Tapi, tidak seperti itu. Saya, maupun orang lain, memperoleh sesuatu karena jerih payah, karena keinginan, karena harapan.

Gak semua anak muda itu jago dlm hal-hal diluar akademis spt berorganisasi dsb.

Semua orang memiliki bakat, baik di bidang akademis maupun non-akademis. Yang tidak memiliki bakatpun bisa berprestasi apabila memiliki kemampuan. Ambil contoh, teman saya Yoris Sebastian, ia (dan saya) percaya bahwa creativity is a habit – kreativitas bisa dibangun, dan dilatih. Itu bukan sesuatu yang kita dapat dari lahir. Dari kecil, Yoris merasa tidak kreatif, tapi ia melatih dirinya karena menjadi kreatif itu penting. Di usia 26 tahun, Yoris menjadi General Manager Hard Rock Cafe, tanpa mengenyam pendidikan di bangku kuliah. Jika kreativitas saja bisa kita tumbuhkan di dalam diri kita, mengapa kemampuan berorganisasi tidak bisa? Orang sesukses Steve Jobs, ketika lahir pun ia sendirian, tidak punya atasan maupun bawahan, tidak punya partner kerja, tidak punya teman setim, sama seperti kita semua. Kemampuan akademis dan non-akademis bisa dilatih – kalau kita mau. Yang jadi masalah adalah… apakah saya, kamu, kita mau?

Gak semua orang cerdik dlm nyari kesempatan spt kk.

Kesempatan tidak harus dicari, tapi bisa diciptakan. Bruce Lee pernah berkata, “To hell with circumstances, I create opportunities.” Saya sangat setuju dengan hal itu. Jika belum bisa menciptakan kesempatan, sisihkan uang kurang-lebih Rp5000,-, pergi ke warnet… Ada alasan mengapa sebagian orang menganggap bahwa internet adalah salah satu teknologi terhebat yang pernah ditemukan. We can find almost any information we need there, including opportunities. Jauh lebih baik jika bisa dimanfaatkan untuk mencari kesempatan kan dibanding hanya cek Facebook atau Twitter?

Gak semua anak muda berkesempatan untuk memilih langkah downstream.

Kembali lagi – kesempatan selalu ada. Kesempatan untuk memilih upstream, downstream, atau bagaimanapun kamu menyebutnya. Saya kurang mengerti definisi downstream kamu ini  apa, jadi maaf jika responnya kurang jelas juga.

Gak semua anak muda punya talent luar biasa spt leadership skill dll untuk dibanggakan dan jadi modal besar.

Seperti yang sudah saya katakan: Kemampuan harus dilatih untuk menjadi ada, didukung dengan kemauan. Jika menurut kamu saya memiliki leadership skill, sejujurnya, saya merasa belum menjadi pemimpin yang baik. Tapi, saya mau belajar, supaya nanti bisa jadi pemimpin yang baik. Kita semua sedang belajar, kok. Bahkan, Richard Branson, Stephen Covey, juga pasti masih belajar.

Sehingga, banyak dari anak muda ini, termasuk aku, yang masih perlu ambil langkah mainstream spt kuliah di univ negri, milih jurusan kedokteran, ekonomi, teknik, dll,,, untuk mensupport masa depan. Belom lagi kalo ada tuntuan dari segi finansial keluarga ( contoh : anak pertama perlu biayain adik, dll).

Seperti yang sudah saya tulis di post saya, saya juga anak pertama yang harus membiayai adik, karena itu saya pilih mengambil beasiswa di universitas swasta karena jatuhnya lebih murah dibanding di universitas negeri.

Dan dlm kenyataannya, walaupun sekarang udah banyak yg mikir kalo jurusan mainstream ini oldschool bgt dan gak happenning lagi, masih banyak kok anak muda yang berminat sama jurusan2 mainstream ini.

Tentunya. Buktinya saya dari SD sampai SMA (bahkan mungkin sampai sekarang), masih terobsesi untuk kuliah di Fakultas Hukum UI. Saya sudah mencoba sebisa mungkin, I did my best, tapi tetap tidak diterima. Tapi, itu tidak berarti saya akan memiliki masa depan yang buruk, atau mengecewakan orangtua. Saya percaya, kita semua bisa “make our marks” melalui cara kita masing-masing.

Kalo dipikir2 lagi, oke, indonesia masih butuh sineas2 idealis yg semoga lebih aspiratif daripada anggota dpr, indonesia masih butuh public-figure2 yg bisa bangkitin nasionalisme kita, indonesia masih butuh seniman-seniman sebagai dengan segala kritik tajamnya yang membangun bangsa,,, tapi sebagai suatu negara masih butuh ekonom yang mastiin kas negara nggak amburadul, masih butuh dokter-dokter berbakat yang bersedia mengabdi untuk sesama, masih butuh insinyur-insinyur yang bisa bikin plan-plan di semua sektor dengan sistematis dan realistis.

Setuju. Itulah mengapa, jurusan paling most wanted tetap Manajemen, Hukum, Komunikasi, Kedokteran, dan lain-lain. Ada ribuan orang yang mendaftar untuk jurusan tersebut. Kalau kamu bicara sineas, IKJ masih menjadi salah satu universitas negeri yang least wanted, karena stereotip yang orang berikan terhadap kampus tersebut. Walaupun begitu, kita lihat prestasi sineas Indonesia. Walau Indonesia cuma punya satu sekolah film yang menyediakan gelar sarjana, kita memiliki sangat banyak sineas berbakat dan film-film yang menang di festival-festival internasional. Alhamdulillah.

Personally, aku berharap banget kedua dunia downstream dan mainstream ini bisa kerja sama saling mengisi biar Indonesia lebih baik. Bidang downstream majuin bangsa dgn cara kreatifnya sendiri dan gak lupa ngasih kritiknya buat yang kerja di bidang mainstream. Bidang mainstream membangun negara dengan prefosional dan gak lupa ngedengerin input dan masukan positif dari bidang downstream, juga ngejamin ‘keberadaan’ bidang downstream ini ;) hopefully Indonesia di tangan kita, anak muda, bisa baik dengan cara seperti ini ;)

Aku sejujurnya, pingin bgt kerja di bidang journalism, fashion industry, dan creative industry. Aku juga minat bangett sama ekonomi makro mikro dan alhamdulillah baru diterima di akuntansi ui. Makanya tadi waktu baca postingan ini agak gimanaa gitu. Agak takut. Karena awalnya aku pingin bgt masuk ui bukan semata2 karena kebanggaan, karena aku pingin ngambil ilmu, memperkaya diri, di tempat dengan sumber daya (yang dinilai) terbaik di negri ini. Kayanya, ujung2nya balik ke orangnya masing-masing apakah dia bisa menemukan dirinya yang terbaik di tempat dia berada. Rite ? kalo nyaman di univ, negeri, insyaAllah kita bisa sukses. Kalo nyaman di swasta, insyaAllah kita pasti bisa sukses juga ;)

Selamat ya, diterima di Akuntansi UI! Hebat sekali. Ada banyak orang yang sudah diterima UI/ITB dan mengeluh kesulitan. Kalau sudah diterima dan kamu memilih UI, go for it. Janji pada saya dan diri kamu sendiri, kamu tidak akan pernah mengeluh maupun menyesal ya :)

Masalah “sukses”: Nggak kuliah juga bisa sukses. So, no worries.

Hopefully, we can explore ourself to the maxx and lead this country to a better future, Indonesia’s future is on OUR HAND !!! ;)

Thank you, soriii kalo ada yang berseberangan kak ;)

You’re welcome.

                          

I am back on my own now: writing with my own fingers, seeing the world with my own eyes, listening to things with my own ears. Just me, and only me, and I think I’ll be fine. I have changed a lot. I used to be a hopeless romantic… hell, yes. But, now? Not anymore. I think it’s about time to start being realistic about everything in life, because life is not a fairytale, it’s not even a book. Let God writes the story–I think God is much better in us in terms of everything, including writing. And God writes real things, and I have to adapt with that.

I always have a hard time of letting something be. I have these dreams, these goals, that I really want to achieve. When I know that I can achieve it, I have to achieve it, no matter what. With one person, I already had those dreams. They are gone now. I have to let them be. And don’t ask why, because I did not want this either, but I have to let it be.

Maybe you have read the story… but well, if you are curious, my life is not that beautiful, and my life is not that good. I am just a human, like you. I am trying to make a difference, I am trying to make a betterment, in myself, in my surroundings, in my world. I want to be inspired, and I want to inspire others. Which is why, I have to be seen as a strong, wonder girl. I have to be seen as an inspiring person. I want to have an impact in the society, no matter how small it is, but I want it to be a good and remarkable one.

Emotionally, yes, I have lost something–one of the things that I used to admire the most. It left… with a reason that I personally could not explain, and still can’t.

I magically believe that God has a great reason of why this is happening, and God has a cool plan for me. I will just have to sit back, relax, enjoy life… right? I am back on track already. I am living my life to the fullest… without the goggles for a while. :)

                          

Something terrible just happened to me, and there are a lot of things I would like to share with you. I have learned a lot more about life now, about love, about relationship with others, about friendship, about relationship to myself, and even about relationship to God. I want to share. Really, I do. But maybe, I need some time alone, a quality time for myself. I’ll write soon. I promise.

Don’t forget to press play… well if your life is now paused.

And one more thing, my friend just said this to me:

“The Almighty One only has 3 answers for your prayer: “Yes / Not now / There’s a better option”. Keep that in mind.” :)

Hope all is well.

                          

“Alanda, where do you go to college?” is the question that I avoid the most.

One month ago, I had to face a difficult situation. At the same time, I become the only person who has ever received a full scholarship from Bina Nusantara International University. I also received admission fee reduction from Universitas Multimedia Nusantara and I got accepted in University of Indonesia to study Criminology. How lucky, right?

I had the yellow jacket in my hands already. My parents were incredibly happy that I got accepted into that uni, so were my family and friends. They were proud, they congratulated me. Everyone thought that I must be smart that I have succeeded in getting into that uni. But hey, I got accepted because the major I chose were not as popular as Management or Communications. I once thought, “If I were meant to study in UI, I’ll get it on SNMPTN.” And apparently, Alhamdulillah, it did happen.

I have spent my days in UI for a couple of weeks when I felt like there was something really, really wrong and I don’t know what that is. I met the most brilliant and opinionated people from all across the archipelago, I had a very big campus! I was going to study in the campus that is desired by everyone, with pride. Why can there be anything wrong? Moreover, I chose the major because I was interested in the courses. My plan: in 2010, I am going to go for another round of SNMPTN. I’ll get into FHUI.

Now this is ridiculous, but I always cried whenever I met anyone from FHUI. They ate my heart, my dreams. I tended to daydream whenever I passed FHUI. I felt so stupid. That was why I made my pledge. I had to get into FHUI, whatever it takes.

Suddenly, another thing ate more of me. I found out that even if I got into FHUI in 2010, I would not be able to change my major and transfer my grades. I will need to pay another 20 million, another OBM, another OSPEK, I will have to start from scratch. But, what for? My family is not that wealthy. I have little sisters who still need to obtain their basic education. I might seem “okay” financially for you, but to be honest, I still cannot pay my tuition fees by myself. If next year I still have to pay another 20 million to reach my dreams, well it’s an investation. But, I know my capacity. If we can’t, I don’t think we have to force ourselves, especially when it’s related to other people.
I finally realised that there will be no turning back. If I pay UI tuition fees, I will have to study there. Four years. Graduated from Criminology. Work in the criminology field.

Thus, where shall I put my dreams? Should I wash them away?

I missed my dreams. I missed my old activities. Everything was too campus-centered and I could not help it. There were department gathering, faculty gathering, batch gathering, alumni gathering, OBM, and courses. It was worse than high school. Yet there, you’re nothing but a number. UI people won’t know you. You will graduate and enter another jungle.

I somehow became afraid that I won’t be able to grow there. There is this fright I cannot explain. I was afraid that I would lose my activities. I was scared that I was going to lose the things I have built for years. I was scared that UI will take one piece of my UNO Stacko and destroy it. Only for OBM and OSPEK, I had lost a lot of opportunities, the opportunities that would mean a lot for my life. Do you think they would know what you do and achieve? No.

So, that day, on the first day of OSPEK, I went to UI with my dad. I already wore the white-and-white uniform and the leaf nametag, saying that “I have to do this”. I turned back at the Psychology Roundabout. You know what I did next? I WENT HOME. Someone told me to go home. It was not a devil. It was my heart. Somehow.

I tried to cool my head when I got home. I assessed both uni for multiple times. I talked to successful people I know, from Sitta Karina, Yorgi Gusman, Fajar Anugerah, and my friend Ghian, to seek a path. Where should I go, actually? They know me well and they are successful in their own ways.

I prayed too. I asked God, what should I choose? My heart has chosen the international university, actually. Though I actually wanted God to say “UI” so I could make my parents proud, see me graduate in Balairung from UI… God said Binus too. Or maybe, God only said what rings in my heart. So, I did tell my mother that I wanted to go to Binus International, in tears. My mother said yes, though she was pretty disappointed – she graduated from UI after all. But I also promised her that I am going to be a successful person, and I will send my sisters to school.

So, what’s with Binus International? Here are the list to encounter your negative comments:

1. I got scholarship there. Financially, UI is more expensive than Binus International. I want my sisters to get a better education than I did, and I will not let my parents pay too much for my education and abandon them. My sisters are going to be successful people. They are much smarter than me, I suppose.
2. BI has international curriculum. So, if I got into Harvard or Oxford (yeah, right), it will be easier to transfer my grades with the same curriculum.
3. Every lectures are delivered in English and some of the lecturers are expatriates.
4. I’m going to learn International Business there, become a social and creative entrepreneur, create jobs, and build a school. That’s luxurious enough in my opinion!
5. By studying in BI, I would be able to choose: study for 1 year in Cologne Business School to get double degrees, or study in UNSW (one of Australia’s ‘The Big 8’), Solbridge (South Korea) or University of Wollongong (Dubai). To be frank, I am more interested to study there instead of UI. So I can bring heaps of things home, so I can have different skills than the ones who studied in UI, UNPAD or ITB. Remember, UI has millions of graduates. Who knows that I might be able provide different perspectives and solutions from them? Indonesia needs diversity and dynamics.
6. They got Masters Track Program, so I will hopefully to finish both Bachelor and Masters Degree in 9 semesters. Amen.
7. BI appreciates what I do and they are very supportive, both morally and materially. They give students to space to grow academically and non-academically.
8. I can still continue my activities outside the campus because the lectures schedule are more flexible and there are no unimportant gatherings. Well, at least, not too much.
9. Seniors don’t have seniority, not at all. Just like in the US, they don’t want us to call ‘Kak’. One campus, one BI. No one labels us by “sok pintar” when we express our aspirations. Because in that campus, they do.
10. One batch only has 300ish students. Lecturers are close to you. Lecturers know you. Even the executive dean knows you. All lecturers know that I established The Cure For Tomorrow, for God’s sake!
11. 90% BI graduates last year have been accepted in companies before they had their graduation ceremony. Two of them got $2,500 as their first salary. Some of them got into Stern and Stewart accounting firm in Singapore, and there was even a graduate who now works in Google. The key? Personal recommendations. No, they don’t let you use Binus Career. They recommend you to companies.
12. We are taught to think and work like Western people, but we are also taught to act like Eastern people. Beautiful.

I dare to say that I don’t regret this decision. Not at all. Yes, I tried my best to get into UI. Right. But, I know, whenever I got into college, I can be a successful person if I want to. I am sure that in this place, I would be able to grow. I will be something special instead of being drowned in the ocean of people, or unnecessary “nongkrong-nongkrong” just like what high-schools had.

Maybe you will spit on this decision. But this is,

My choice. My world. You only read the story.

                          

Dua hari ini saya melaksanakan Ujian Masuk Bersama (UMB), tepatnya di SMKN 3 Jakarta, diantarjemput oleh Ibu. Hari ini, kami makan siang di Mie Ayam Gondangdia yang beken itu, dan mampir di TPU Tanah Kusir untuk ziarah ke makam Oma (sekalian minta doa supaya keterima di FHUI, amin!).

Karena tinggal di dua rumah dengan shared backyard bersama Oma, boleh dibilang, saya dekat sekali dengan beliau. Jadi, ketika beliau meninggal 2 tahun lalu, saya merasa begitu kehilangan. Tapi ya, mungkin memang sudah waktunya.

Saya pernah membaca tulisan tentang role model, ditulis oleh Weggie di sini. Saya punya role model, tentu. Orang yang saya look up to, memicu saya untuk mencetak prestasi sebanyak-banyaknya. Mungkin akan terdengar klise, tetapi orang-orang ini adalah orang-orang yang ada di keluarga saya. Walau di media seringkali ditulis bahwa saya mengidolakan Anita Roddick (itu karena waktu itu saya ditanya “aktivis lingkungan” mana yang saya idolakan) atau Bruce Lee (itu karena jurnalisnya asal tulis mentang-mentang saya tulis nama Bruce Lee di blog ini :p), role models saya yang sebenarnya, selain Ibu, adalah Aki dan Oma: Prof. Dr. R. H. Moenadjat Wiratmadja (b. 1921) & Hj. Fatidar Moenadjat (b. 1925).

Aki’s books and a pic of him :)

Saya tidak pernah bertemu dengan Aki. Sebab, Aki meninggal di tahun 1980, dan hanya melihat 1 dari 16 cucunya (saya cucu ke-9). Saya hanya bisa mendengar cerita-cerita tentang Aki dari Oma, baik cerita yang romantis, lucu, sampai inspiratif. Saya suka semuanya. Singkatnya, Aki adalah dokter ahli bedah plastik pertama di Indonesia. Ia lulus dari FKUI tahun 1958 , lalu melanjutkan pendidikan ke Washington University/Barnes Hospital di Amerika. Sekembalinya ke Indonesia, Aki mengajarkan ilmu bedah plastik kepada mahasiswa Indonesia (no wonder Tompi visited my grandma when she was hospitalized!). Nama beliau diabadikan sebagai nama unit khusus perawatan luka bakar di RSCM. Aki dikukuhkan menjadi profesor pada tahun 1979, mendapat cucu pertama Februari 1980, dan meninggal Juli 1980. :(

Setelah itu, Oma terus bertahan hidup dan mengurus keenam anaknya dengan sabar, tabah dan terus berikhtiar. Beliau tidak menyelesaikan kuliah kedokterannya (kata Aki, urus keluarga saja… :D), tapi bisa membesarkan anak-anaknya sampai menjadi, alhamdulillah, sesukses sekarang. Ada yang bekerja di World Bank, menjadi interior designer, dokter, sampai art director! Hanya berbekal ketelatenannya dalam jahit-menjahit dan berhemat. Beliau berhasil bertahan selama 27 tahun tanpa Aki. Berhasil melihat cucu pertama beliau juga jadi dokter!

Jadi, pada hari itu, ketika Oma sudah terbaring kaku di atas sebuah ranjang dari kayu, di ruang tamu rumahnya (yang sekarang jadi rumah saya), saya mengaji di sebelahnya, menangis. Terus membaca sebanyak yang saya bisa, supaya beliau diberi tempat terbaik disana. Lalu, saya menghapus airmata itu, berkata padanya, “I promise, Oma. I will make you proud. I will. I promise.”

Itu terjadi tanggal 3 September, 2007.

Tadi saya berada di sebelah Oma lagi, bahkan juga di sebelah Aki. Tidak menangis. Hanya berbicara dari dalam hati, bercerita tentang  apa saja yang sudah terjadi pada Ibu, pada keluarga saya, pada adik-adik, dan terutama sekali… pada saya. Kadang-kadang, saya setengah mati berharap bahwa ia masih ada di sini, di dekat saya, di suatu tempat yang bisa saya lihat, di suatu tempat yang bisa saya hampiri ketika rapor saya dibagikan, ketika saya mendapat piala atau piagam, ketika saya ulangtahun, ketika saya dimarahi Ibu… Lalu saya berpikir lagi, saya yakin bahwa ia sebenarnya selalu ada di dekat saya, bukan?

Saya melihat nama Aki sekali lagi. Prof. Dr. R. H. Moenadjat Wiratmadja. Or maybe his name is longer than that. Janji saya pun bertambah hari ini. Ketika nanti saya tumbuh lebih tua, dan lebih dewasa, saya harus bisa seperti Aki: menjadi orang yang berguna, menjadi orang yang dihormati, dan menjadi orang yang dikenang.

He lives in you, he lives in me. He watches over everything we see, into the water, into the truth, in your reflection. He lives in you.

Tentang video:
Video ini adalah penampilan “mini” dari “The Lion King” versi Broadway, di acara Rosie O’Donell sebelum Tony Awards 1998 di mana mereka memperolah 11 nominasi. Listen to Mufasa’s voice, sounds like who? Saya nonton versi “Inggris” dari drama musikal ini di Lyceum Theatre. I spent a lot of money, and I don’t regret it. The feeling was even better than going to those football stadiums, especially if you’re a Disney maniac like me! :)

                          

I cried today. And no, it’s not about relationshits.

Saya begitu bersemangat menghadapi “masa depan”, dalam hal ini, kuliah. Saya apply untuk full scholarship ke beberapa universitas di luar negeri, seperti Ritsumeikan APU dan Wesleyan. Saya juga ingin datang ke international education expos, meskipun belum kesampaian karena selalu bentrok dengan acara lain.

Hari ini Ibu bilang, bahwa kalaupun saya menerima beasiswa ke luar negeri, ia tidak akan mampu membiayai kehidupan saya di sana. Bahwa daripada berandai-andai, lebih baik tidak usah sama sekali. Bahwa ia tidak ingin mengecewakan saya.

Saya bilang, saya sudah tahu hal itu sejak lama. Tapi saya tetap coba apply untuk scholarship ini, tentu saja untuk kedua orangtua saya. Supaya mereka bangga.

Kalau orang lain percaya saya bisa, saya ingin orangtua saya tahu. Saya pun ingin tahu kualitas diri saya, apakah saya cukup baik untuk bisa terpilih menjadi kandidat penerima beasiswa. Apakah saya cukup kompeten? Saya hanya ingin tahu, dan tidak apa-apa jika saya tidak jadi sekolah di luar negeri. Yang penting, jangan bunuh mimpi saya. Yang penting, Ibu bisa bilang, “Eh, anak gue dapat beasiswa untuk sekolah di Jepang lho.” Itu adalah mimpi saya yang mutlak. Semenjak saya beranjak ke usia remaja, itu adalah mimpi yang selalu tersangkut di kepala. Saya ingin membuat Ibu dan Papa bangga. Mereka bukan tipe orangtua yang selalu mendampingi anaknya ikut lomba. Bukan pula yang menceritakan prestasi anaknya ke orang-orang lain. Tapi, mereka selalu ada di belakang saya, mendukung saya, meski mungkin hanya secara moril. Itu sudah lebih dari cukup.

Ibu bilang, hatinya teriris setiap kali beliau mendengar saya mau mengirim aplikasi beasiswa. Setiap kali saya ingin datang ke pameran pendidikan. Setiap kali saya membicarakan prestasi saya yang mungkin mendukung hal ini.

Saya akan berusaha sekuat tenaga, karena semua pasti ada jalan-Nya. Kalau saya diterima, siapa tahu saya bisa dapat scholarship yang mendapat “bonus” living cost. Saya bisa kerja di sana, atau menghasilkan uang dulu di Indonesia dari menulis. Yang penting niatnya, pasti Tuhan akan memberi kesempatan, bukan? Saya sangat percaya itu. Karena itulah, saya selalu berani bermimpi.

Saya bilang, “Bu, aku cuma mau mencoba. Siapa tahu bisa diterima. Kalaupun diterima tapi nggak diambil pun nggak apa-apa, yang penting Ibu bangga.”

Dan Ibu berkata, “Ibu akan sangat sedih kalau kamu bisa menerima beasiswa tapi Ibu nggak bisa memenuhi cita-cita kamu. Kamu mampu, tapi Ibu nggak mampu.”

Saya menjawab, “Ibu, kalau sampai aku bisa menerima beasiswa untuk sekolah di luar negeri. Itu artinya, tanpa ke luar negeri pun, Ibu telah berhasil mendidik aku dengan baik dan benar. Ibu telah memberiku pendidikan yang layak.”

Saya menatap ke luar jendela. Mobil yang berlalu-lalang. Jalan tol yang rasanya tidak habis-habis. Dengan airmata yang menggumpal di sudut mata, lalu pecah dan jatuh ke pipi. Tanpa suara. Apapun yang selama ini saya lakukan, semata-mata saya lakukan untuk membuat Ibu bangga. Bukan buat saya, bukan untuk uang. Bukan supaya hati Ibu teriris.

                          

Masih ada sisa satu semester sebelum menghadapi the damned Ujian Nasional. Beberapa bulan belakangan, setelah the best summer ever di Bali, saya dan teman-teman sering sekali mendiskusikan masalah kuliah. What would we do for a living? Which major and uni would we choose for college? Sebagian besar teman saya masih bingung dan belum memilih. Bahkan, dua sahabat terdekat saya tidak mau lagi membicarakan masalah kuliah.

Menjadi senior, menjadi anak berusia 17 tahun–menurut saya–adalah menjadi dewasa. Menjadi dewasa adalah mengetahui yang mana yang baik dan salah, yang mana yang harus ditempuh. Menjadi dewasa adalah belajar mengambil keputusan, mengambil resiko, menjadi seseorang yang hidup.

I am not going to write self-help paragraphs or something. I hate self-help books. When I go to bookstores and see such things, I always want to say, “Hey, I can help myself. This is my life. Your words DO NOTHING, and your words DO NOT HELP.“

Dulu, saya adalah orang yang mementingkan perasaan orang lain. Apa yang orangtua saya mau, apa yang pacar saya mau, apa yang teman-teman saya mau. Apa yang mereka butuhkan dan apa yang mereka bilang. Dulu, saya adalah orang yang memikirkan terlalu banyak hal kecuali perasaan saya sendiri. Saya pernah berpikir, it’s okay to get hurt as long as my beloved ones are happy. For once in my life, saya merasa saya harus melakukan apa yang saya mau lakukan!

Going to college is the perfect time to make a choice, take honest decisions, so we’ll live well. Hal yang paling penting dalam memutuskan sesuatu, saya rasa, bukanlah mengambil the best decision, tetapi the most honest decision. Keputusan yang paling baik belum tentu yang paling jujur. Jurusan di kuliah nanti adalah sesuatu yang sangat penting bagi masa depan kita. It’s like choosing something you want to do for the rest of your life and that’s big!

Dua tahun lalu, saya terobsesi untuk kuliah di jurusan Desain Komunikasi Visual (DKV) di ITB atau UPH. Sedikit sekali orang yang mendukung saya ketika itu. Mereka bilang, saya sebaiknya memilih jurusan yang lebih serius seperti Kedokteran, Hukum, Teknik, dsb. Saya benci kata-kata tersebut. Mereka bilang, desain bisa lewat kursus! Apa sih beda menjadi copywriter dan akuntan? Apa bedanya menjadi sutradara iklan dan dokter? Profesi apapun adalah profesi yang baik and must be taken seriously. Saat itu, saya menyerah. Mereka minta saya jadi dokter, saya nurut. Saya berhenti menggambar, berhenti bermain dengan Photoshop, berhenti berharap akan ikut bimbingan belajar Villa Merah supaya bisa kuliah di Bandung. Saya tidak lagi membuka catatan saya yang berisi rincian program studi DKV di FSRD ITB.

One day, I discussed this with my (coolest uncle). He said, “Kamu mau jadi dokter dan ambil kursus desain? Berarti kamu akan menjalani dua-duanya setengah-setengah. What is your passion? Art? I have faith in you. You got the potential. You have everything you need. Writing skills, creativity… I will train you. You can be the best director in Indonesia.”

Itulah titik bangkit saya. Saat itu, saya mulai memikirkan apa yang saya inginkan, saya cita-citakan, saya sukai. Apa yang saya mau! Saya rasa, semua orang bisa sukses apabila mereka menjalani apa yang mereka mau. Pernah dengar quotation, “Choose the job you love and you will never need to work for the rest of your life.“?

Saya selalu bangga kepada teman-teman saya yang mengejar impian-impian mereka, meskipun mereka harus mengorbankan keinginan orang lain (orangtua, misalnya). Walaupun mereka harus melawan arus.

• Anangga berhenti kuliah di salah satu universitas swasta di Jakarta untuk menjadi koki. Sekarang, ia sudah selesai menjalani Professional Cooking Course di Chezlely Culinary School, sudah mendapat beberapa job offers, yang ditolak karena masih mau ambil sekolah pastry.

• Econ tidak menyelesaikan SMA karena berhasil memperoleh beasiswa untuk kuliah di Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts (NAFA).
• Naren tidak ikut ujian akhir semester untuk bertanding baseball di Pekan Olahraga Nasional (PON) 2008.

• Debra tidak menyelesaikan SMA dan langsung kuliah di LaSalle College of Arts.

• Sitta Karina lulus dari Teknik Industri Trisakti dan menjadi penulis best-selling.
• Haqi batal meneruskan ke universitas karena diterima kerja di production house. He is writing a movie script at the moment.

I have made my decisions. So what are yours? Remember the best quote from the movie Dead Poets Society?

Carpe, carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.

                          

I read my best buddy’s personal message on WLM.

When you can live forever, what do you live for?

I was stunned. Many people wish they could live forever. I wish I could live forever. But, if God grants this wish, what do I live for? My life will be meaningless when the people I love have gone. Really.

Maybe God won’t let us live forever because most of us don’t have aims in life. We just live this life, go with the flow. Maybe people in modern days live shorter because people lose their hopes gradually. Maybe Prophet Adam lived for a thousand years because he had aims, he had missions, he had many wonderful things he wanted to do. Maybe God just gave him more time because he had more wishes. He had more good things to do.

And us? What do we live for? What do I live for? Am I really living or just going with the flow? Oh, no. I will do heaps of things. I have a lot of things I want to do. There are plenty of things I haven’t done in life, like… Travel around the world, meet R2-D2, get married, see the Northern Lights, find at least one thing each day that makes me happy and record it for a year, and more… and more…

Things like these bring back memories. It’s like I’m taken to two years ago, when my Grandma passed away. I whispered to her right ear, “Grandma, I promise. I will make you proud. I will.”

I will live my life to the fullest. It gets shorter everyday, you know.

Oasis – Live Forever

                          

Two days ago, I learned that there is some people who only want to have me, who only wants to make me one of his possessions; but he’ll never really be there by my side.

Yesterday, I learned that we, teenagers, don’t grow up together. Some of us grow up earlier, some of us grow up at the perfect time, while the rest grow up later.

Today, I learned that there are some good guys who want to be there by my side, without even thinking about making me one of their prized possessions. There are some guys who stay there whenever you need them, whatever you say, whatever you do.

:)

                          

… Yes, it will sound lame, but I had just gone through too many things at a time. It’s so not me, writing about my daily (personal) mood (and nonsense). I just think, maybe I need to share bad things some times :D

I’ve never been the best daughter for my parents. Yes, I do have little sisters, and they haven’t got their time to shine. They haven’t shined (yet) and I already feel I am useless as a child. I dunno… I think I already have all of these but they’re just not that proud of me. In their point of view, I’m still a boyish, untidy, blah blah blah teenage girl with less responsibility, less caring. I used to play football in elementary school every single day. I was so.. annoying. I yelled at boys who mocked behind me. I’m very untidy and mommy hates it. I hate it too.. I just don’t have the time to clean up my room. I’m not a good child. Not even close.

What else? Mid-term exam? THE TESTS WERE TOO DIFFICULT. Shit.

Sometimes, I hate everything.

I have always been bad in socializing. On elementary school, there was this (annoying) girl who made sort of an alliance, which was called “Geng Anti Alanda”. I mean.. WTF? What are you? God? She provoked the class of ‘03 to hate me as much as she did. She succeeded when we were on year 5.

Junior high school.. Not so good either. I was very active in school. I published my first book when I was on year 9 and the launching was at school. There was this girl, name her A, I asked her to be the MC for the event. She answered, “No, I can’t. I haven’t even read your book, yet!” I told her it’s okay and I’ll find another person to replace her. During the Q & A session, she raised her finger, asking, “Novel lo itu komedi bukan sih? Soalnya kalo komedi kok kayaknya lucunya dibuat-buat yah?” I smiled, “Lho, tadi pagi, lo bilang belum baca novel gue…” The audience laughed and some boys told her to sit down. Later on, I was chosen to be a part of the yearbook committee. The committee had decided to use some “awards” to name the poll winners (I forgot the titles). At the day when I brought the poll sheets (I was the one who typed, printed and copied them), someone told everyone else to rip the sheets off. I was really mad. They bullied me like a senior to her junior. For the first time, I shouted the word (sorry) “pecun” to curse some girls. I hate them so much that time. I quit the committee, and then, one of them begged me to come back to the committee. I didn’t want to. I only finished my class’ pages’ layout.

And now, Senior High School. I dunno yet, but so far.. It’s not getting better. When I was on year 10, I was forced to join the cheerleading squad but I didn’t want to. They bullied me, hahaha. Since then, I hate school. I was so stressed out and there was this senior whom very “scary”, she loved to go upstairs to visit my class and intimidate me. I didn’t want to go to the canteen and I hid under my desk everytime she was around. LAME. But yes, I did that.

Year 11. I hated school more. More people mock behind my back, although I’ve always tried to be nice and kind to them. My friend Arie, once said, “Return bad remarks with polite smile.” People talk behind my back about my achievements, writings, the CosmoGIRL! thingy, TCFT… everything I have.

I had a “friend”, whom I used to drive home with on year 10. I dunno why, but she provoked people to hate me. She used to gimme some money to buy my car’s fuel, since she joined my car almost everyday, but I didn’t ask her to. Then, she told EVERYONE in my class that if you want me to drive you home, you have to PAY. She told people that my boyfriend is alay, she mocked behind me, saying, “Ih, gue nggak suka deh jam Swatch. Alay banget kampungan.” while I’m using that brand for my watch! She threw a ball made of paper at me. Since then, my friends hated me. They only wanted to greet me when there were assignments (and they needed my help), or when they read my name on Sitta Karina’s book’s cover, or when I’m on another magazine. “Hey, you know that Alanda? She is my classmate!!!” Geez. Act like one!

What else? I had never thought about it anymore. But sometimes, I feel lonely. I have heaps of friends outside school though I’m a homegirl, I have a loving boyfriend, a caring family, a few close friends. I go to the canteen by myself, I study by myself. My friends have been better than they were, but I just can’t trust any schoolmate since those “tragedies”. Everytime I started to trust them, I always found out that they were using me. My knowledge, my eagerness, .. everything. I’m not hoping to be hailed, I just wish they can pay some respect to their friends.

I’m feeling like a slut right now. I dunno why, but I really am a slut. Believe me.

I’m glad I have shared everything. Well, now you know, I am not perfect. Not even close.

Guess what? I had just deleted my MySpace account. Maybe I will re-register, one day. Matt, you must be laughing very hard right now *white flag*